Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Waiting...

I've been sharing lately about how God brought Andy and I together. There just isn't room in one post series to share all the incredible things I've learned about God's love through that experience, but I'd like to highlight a few here...

God delights in my sincerity. I'm so thankful that God was my true refuge when Andy wounded me. God knew that my heart was fully for Andy and his "I think you like me more than I like you." was a painful blow. That summer, my dad lost his job, gained a new job, and moved my mom (and all my things) to Kentucky. It was a hard summer for me over all because I really felt so alone. I was confused by my feeling for Andy and embarrassed by the rejection. But God never tired of journal entries, hearing my cries on the beach, or my quick prayers each morning as I'd leave the house unsure whether I'd run into Andy or whether or not I wanted to run into him.

When we come sincerely,we will see God. “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God."
I've learned that the greek word for "pure" used in that verse is "sincere".  Jesus is saying that sincere people see God. He was not saying that my heart had to be free of my desire to be loved by Andy, but that my openness with God in it was His desire.
As I begged God to take away my feelings or change Andy, I knew He heard. There were times I'd open my Bible right to a Psalm of David crying out to God or over to Job confidently saying in the midst of grief that it was God Himself who gave him his family and who took them away or Hannah crying in the temple and trusting God for a child. I could relate to them and yet I was floored each time by God's nearness and the truth of His Sovereignty in each of their lives. I'd go to our weekly meeting and we'd sing "More Than Enough" and I'd bawl like a baby because I was learning that God truly was my supply and breath of life and all of Him was more than enough for me!

So often, I hear "guard your heart" as a way to encourage women to avoid the guys they like so they won't manipulate them and can keep their hearts pure for God. Though I see the wisdom in being careful not to look for in a guy what only God can give, I'm not sure I agree with that advice. I battled against my desire to prove my worth to Andy. But in my struggle, I learned as I faced that desire to see who God is and how deep His love and grace were in my life. I remained friends with Andy as I grappled through. Many girls in my life knew where I was in my struggle and I valued having them pray with me. But truly, the "guarding of my heart" wasn't away from Andy, but towards God. He fulfilled fully and He eventually chose to change Andy's heart and fill it with a pursuing love for me. But that skill of guarding my heart by filling it with more and more of God was invaluable. I'm so thankful for the sweet lessons I learned as I waited for God to heal my heart or change Andy. It was hard, but God is so very good.

1 comment:

Ru said...

Wow! I was really encouraged to hear this perspective. Thanks for sharing!!!