Tuesday, March 5, 2013

In the Midst, Part 4- The Day We Lost the Baby

I've been sharing some texts I wrote as I sensed God's nearness in the midst of my miscarriage. You can read the first 3 here: 1, 2, 3

"Dec. 20

We lost the baby today.
"in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore."

Sweet baby knows a sweeter joy, not mixed with salty sorrow, but in God's presence with full joy.

God took me to Psalm 27:
"One thing have I asked of the LORD, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to inquire in his temple. "

And then here in Psalm 73:
"I was brutish and ignorant; I was like a beast toward you.
Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. "

I sense Him near. That grief is good. The sadness is ok. And that in it, HE is my portion. this longing and aching for our baby is pointing to the "one thing" that my heart really wants and needs:Jesus. There's nothing i desire more than Him. Nothing. HE alone is my strengh and portion forever.

Dec. 24

Sorrow comes in waves. In it I feel comfort from God and His sustaining peace. I think the sorrow being there is bringing a depth to Christmas I hadn't experienced before and i'm thankful for. The gift of Immanuel, God Himself with us, brings tears this year. Because in my grief, I realize how incredible it is that God is with us. Sorrow and joy are all mixed together.

Dec. 25

I was reading about Simeon and Anna in Luke 2 today and felt so excited to watch God reward them for waiting expectantly and believing Him that salvation and redemption were coming for those who were His when so few seemed to be waiting and expecting. Their steadfast faith was rewarded with Jesus, God Himself!

I have the same call- to wait expectantly (Rev. 22). Salvation and redemption came to His own when Jesus came- but He is coming back to reign forever. And then we will dwell with Him in full redemption experiencing no more sin or the effects of sin, but instead peace for all New Earth forever.

Christmas is mixed with painful loss and a  desire to celebrate to remind me to wait with faith for what is promised to come: the day when God's full glory will be with us (21:22-24; 22:5). Immanuel, God with us, individually for now, but in fullness soon!  And there will be no more pain, sickness, mourning, crying (21:4)

Today, we'll look at cool decorations while looking forward to a city of pure gold like glass and walls of jasper and jewels, and gates of a single pearl (21:18-22)

Today, we read how a star brought them to see the Christ and know that soon the Bright Morning Star is coming again to reign forever(22:6,7,12,16,20)!!!!!

Today, we read the multitude of hosts sing Glory to God and know that peace to His people has come to us in our hearts, and someday multitudes will sing "Hallelujah! For the Lord God almighty reigns." (Rev. 19:6) He is coming again to reign in full in everything!

Isn't that incredible!?! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

Jan. 1
This loss is hard, but it hasn't leave me completely hopeless. I'm seeing how little I know and understand God's ways and coming through with much deeper awe of Him.

Our children are precious and amazing gifts- but only HE is the treasure. When He gives, by His grace, I want to care for and steward those gifts as long as He gives me. And by His grace, when He takes, I want to grieve with a thankful heart for how deeply He loves and how faithful He always is. I'm so thankful He saved me and He's near. So thankful."

Thanks for sticking with me through these posts. My final post will share the amazing way God met me in my final ultrasound...

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