In the Midst, Part 4- The Day We Lost the Baby


I've been sharing some texts I wrote as I sensed God's nearness in the midst of my miscarriage. You can read the first 3 here: 1, 2, 3

"Dec. 20

We lost the baby today.
"in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore."

Sweet baby knows a sweeter joy, not mixed with salty sorrow, but in God's presence with full joy.

God took me to Psalm 27:
"One thing have I asked of the LORD, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to inquire in his temple. "

And then here in Psalm 73:
"I was brutish and ignorant; I was like a beast toward you.
Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. "

I sense Him near. That grief is good. The sadness is ok. And that in it, HE is my portion. this longing and aching for our baby is pointing to the "one thing" that my heart really wants and needs:Jesus. There's nothing i desire more than Him. Nothing. HE alone is my strengh and portion forever.


Dec. 24

Sorrow comes in waves. In it I feel comfort from God and His sustaining peace. I think the sorrow being there is bringing a depth to Christmas I hadn't experienced before and i'm thankful for. The gift of Immanuel, God Himself with us, brings tears this year. Because in my grief, I realize how incredible it is that God is with us. Sorrow and joy are all mixed together.



Dec. 25

I was reading about Simeon and Anna in Luke 2 today and felt so excited to watch God reward them for waiting expectantly and believing Him that salvation and redemption were coming for those who were His when so few seemed to be waiting and expecting. Their steadfast faith was rewarded with Jesus, God Himself!


I have the same call- to wait expectantly (Rev. 22). Salvation and redemption came to His own when Jesus came- but He is coming back to reign forever. And then we will dwell with Him in full redemption experiencing no more sin or the effects of sin, but instead peace for all New Earth forever.

Christmas is mixed with painful loss and a  desire to celebrate to remind me to wait with faith for what is promised to come: the day when God's full glory will be with us (21:22-24; 22:5). Immanuel, God with us, individually for now, but in fullness soon!  And there will be no more pain, sickness, mourning, crying (21:4)

Today, we'll look at cool decorations while looking forward to a city of pure gold like glass and walls of jasper and jewels, and gates of a single pearl (21:18-22)

Today, we read how a star brought them to see the Christ and know that soon the Bright Morning Star is coming again to reign forever(22:6,7,12,16,20)!!!!!

Today, we read the multitude of hosts sing Glory to God and know that peace to His people has come to us in our hearts, and someday multitudes will sing "Hallelujah! For the Lord God almighty reigns." (Rev. 19:6) He is coming again to reign in full in everything!

Isn't that incredible!?! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!



Jan. 1
This loss is hard, but it hasn't leave me completely hopeless. I'm seeing how little I know and understand God's ways and coming through with much deeper awe of Him.

Our children are precious and amazing gifts- but only HE is the treasure. When He gives, by His grace, I want to care for and steward those gifts as long as He gives me. And by His grace, when He takes, I want to grieve with a thankful heart for how deeply He loves and how faithful He always is. I'm so thankful He saved me and He's near. So thankful."


Thanks for sticking with me through these posts. My final post will share the amazing way God met me in my final ultrasound...

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

When Homeschool is all over the home

Image
I was ready to give up. I began thinking maybe I should just expect to eat at a table covered in math manipulatives and maps. Over a period of time and in a variety of ways, God lead us to homeschool our boys years ago. I've come to adore homeschooling my kids (most days), but we've never been able to make a "homeschool room" work for us. We somehow wind up on the living room couch or at the kitchen table. Every day. Learning about atoms and molecules Reviewing Latin Oh how the math manipulatives take over the table.  Are you getting the point that we use this room a lot? I remember reading that God has made everything beautiful in his time and thinking that I LOVE that HE's made beautiful things and places and people. It's a cool reflection of Him. I really enjoy pretty spaces in people's homes. It feels welcoming to me. I'm fine with toys everywhere, but I also love welcoming others to a peaceful, homey space. So I began wondering if
Read more

A Fallen Idol- one man's sin exposed my own

CJ Mahaney steps down as SGM President... I'm still midprocess, but wanted to share thoughts on what God is teaching me. This week, I read that the President of our family of churches was voluntarily stepping down for a season of discipline and restoration because of sins of pride, sinful judgement, lack of submission to accountability, and even spiritual blackmail. We were assured this has been a year and 1/2 long process and he had already been restored to many he had wounded in his sin, but is stepping down to help healing personally and in Sovereign Grace Ministries as a whole. One (godly) man compiled 600 pages of documents of accusations and emails that he sent to CJ and that were posted online. I read through much of it as I grieved and wondered what this means for the church we've loved these past 6 months and our family. Andy and I prayed. I cried. And then I poured over websites of hurt former members and the official documents. They were written personally to C
Read more

Because I Forget...

“Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil.   Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.”- Ephesians 5:15-17 I’m starting this blog to hold me accountable to live in a way that glorifies God and to encourage other young women and moms who are daily striving to seek Christ alone and make the most of every opportunity to know Him more and make Him known. In my posts I’ll share ways our family looks for the “gospel reminders” in our daily lives and traditions. I need this because I forget. I wander daily away from the truth that I need Christ and I’m not self-sufficient. I forget how much He loves me and offers forgiveness and grace because of His love for me. This is about my journey to know Him more and how I see the gospel in fresh ways and teach it to my children through traditions and daily life. Truly Christ is the center and central theme of the Bible, in my personal lif
Read more