Friday, March 1, 2013
In the Midst, Part 3: Afflicted, but Not Crushed
I've been sharing about my miscarriage, mainly through texts written in the midst. You may want to go back and read posts 1 and 2 for the full story. God met me in some crazy ways (just wait for my ultrasound "empty" aha!). This post is mainly a revived perspective on suffering learned as I endured suffering.
I'm seeing 2 corinthians 4 with new eyes right now. This chunk just matches up so perfectly with the emotions i'm experiencing and truth i know in the midst as we walk through this pregnancy God joyfully surprised us with yet seems anything but normal and healthy.
We're waiting and not entirely sure what for, other than God Himself. but we trust Him fully in it.
So we wait, feeling just like Paul described: "We are afflicted... but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair"
It's perplexing and confusing. The sense we had from God and what we're experiencing don't match. Yet suffering feels absolutely right and expected and we know it is a gift from God only for His children and given in love to His own.
So we're afflicted and yet not crushed and confused and yet have great hope still. Paul's words make SO much more sense to me today as i wait on God while i continue to bleed.
Reading Paul's conclusion brought me tears of joy tonight as i see fresh what is coming and will come to us through it:
"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.
For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison,
as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."
Amen. He spoke so clearly and sweetly to me tonight through this passage. What a blessing this trial is to remind me of what really matters and how glorious it is.He is so good to us:)
Today's been hard. We might have to wait until friday to hear the blood test results. I'm still bleeding...
I realize in it, that i need to stop constantly analyzing my body. Do i still feel pregnant? Are there clots? Does not seeing "tissue" come out of me mean i'm still pregnant? It's an exhausting cycle that leads only to more confusion and sorrow.
I'm realizing that last night, when God opened my eyes to 2 corinthians 4, He graciously gave me the wisdom to know how to fight.
I sense Him saying: Stop, Gin! don't look at the temporal (my symptoms [or lack of] or the internet information). There's no hope there.
Instead, look at the unseen- our real hope and future- in Christ alone.
So today i'm singing and watching "In Christ Alone" as i fight for joy.
And it's staying my heart again to remember my strength is in Christ Alone.
Christ alone became a helpless baby and then took on our wrath.
"From life's first cry to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny."
Here's a link to the Getty's singing it:
Thankful He's so near and gracious in it."