In the Midst of Miscarriage

Oh wow, this is hard to type out. Forgive the blubbering as I type through tears. Here goes: I miscarried about a week before Christmas. Actually, I'm still physically and emotionally in process. Apparently natural miscarriages can take a long time. 

 I'm blogging about it because we listened to a recording of John Piper's last sermon at Bethlehem a few weeks ago. You can imagine my emotional roller coaster as I listened to this (incredible) sermon about how the world needs to see people cherishing God while suffering. You can check it out here: http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/sermons/sorrowful-yet-always-rejoicing


Even though my miscarriage is still fresh and raw, i sense God telling me to blog and live it openly now, not down the road. I want others to know someone has been there. 

One morning during communion, my Pastor read Jesus in the garden saying, "Father, if you are willing, take this cup..." it was like he spoke straight to me!!! Hearing that familiar chunk read aloud, I was struck by how similar my own prayer in the midst of the miscarriage was to this one.

I so longed for God to take it from me. I knew He was able to restore my body and save our baby and i begged Him to. But He didn't. He chose for me to walk through miscarriage.

And i've asked Him in it for grace to go through grief and loss firm in my faith in Him, desiring only Jesus as my true treasure and trusting Him fully. I asked for vision to see the good in this that He promises is there (Rom. 8:28).

photo credit: Mary Osborn
I began reflecting on Christ's prayer and mine. Especially watching how He walked His suffering out and what that means as i walk this out. And I gained vision in a few of Paul's reflections on suffering:

The church can gain from faith-filled suffering:
"Now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake, and in my flesh I am filling up what is lacking in Christ’s afflictions for the sake of his body, that is, the church..."-Colossians 1:24

Fellow sufferers can gain from faith-filled suffering:
"For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows."- 2 Corinthians 1:5

Non-believers can gain from faith-filled suffering:
"Therefore I endure everything for the sake of the elect, that they too may obtain the salvation that is in Christ Jesus, with eternal glory."- 2 Timothy 2:10

This is not what I prayed for, hoped for, or dreamed of. I wanted to celebrate birth. But as i grieve, He's reminding me there is wonderful purpose in it- I "complete" Christ's afflictions when He is seen in my own suffering. I have an opportunity, by His grace, to make Jesus known in the church, to fellow sufferers, and to the unsaved through suffering. Wow.

Though I longed for "my cup" to pass, embracing it brings Him such glory. I'm asking for his grace to surrender fully to Him and trust His purposes. I'm praying as ugly/awkward as it may look as i walk this season out that some might see and savor Jesus through it. 

And with these thoughts, I'm beginning this series, where (I think) I'm going to share some pretty vulnerable texts/emails I sent to friends and family as I walked through the days of "pregnant and bleeding" to miscarriage and grief. I'm praying it may bless you and bring you comfort and joy in Christ as you read along...

 [Here are quick links to the other posts in this series: 2, 3, 4, 5 ]

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