Thursday, March 7, 2013
In The Midst, Final: Empty Beginnings
I'm blogging about one of the most painful trials I've faced, miscarriage. You can read my previous posts here: 1, 2, 3, 4. Here's the AMAZING truth God showed me after my last ultrasound:
I had my last ultrasound this week. I didn't tell anyone i was going because i just couldn't get myself to. Once there, the technician checked me while I stared at the large tv on the wall with a live view of my empty womb and God met me there beautifully.
My first response afterwards was overwhelming sadness. I wept a lot and told God i wanted to be staring at a baby but i also struggled feeling faithless that i want what He doesn't seem to want for me.
He reminded me that He's able and He gives generously. It was tangible God-speak, too. Through me flashing to romans 8:32 immediately-"He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?" And then through two crazy timely texts from friends who had no clue where I was - 1 telling me she was praying for God to sustain and strengthen me and 1 telling me how pleased God is and how faithful He is in our faithlessness. They didn't know why they wrote but He and i knew:)
So i felt loved and met by God and confident even in my grief that i'd rather have Him and only what He wants for me than whatever good thing i thought was best. I still wept, but His quick response was so comforting that the weeping felt healing, not hopeless.
But then this crazy thought hit me- empty is not God's ending. Biblically, empty is always where He began. I
It's January and we're in Genesis 1-2 watching the Holy Spirit hover over the empty void to bring light, life, and fruitfulness. Christmas just passed, so we read for an entire month about God giving a barren woman a prophet and the Holy Spirit hovering over a virgin's empty womb to bring us our Savior!
This week i'm doing a project on Jesus' resurrection and I laughed at how empty tomb sounds so similar to empty womb. I wonder if i'm feeling the way the disciples felt. After a great rush of joy, i feel overwhelming sadness that it's over and kinda confused at what it all means. But empty is never the end. It's just not God's way. His best work that's shown His glory always came out of empty.
From nothing, He created everything. From barren woman, he created Jesus, our salvation. From a destroyed earth, He'll someday bring a perfect New Earth, gilled with His presence. Empty is NOT the end for God. It's the beginning.
So here i am- grieving still. Carrying an empty womb. And despite how crazy it feels to say, I believe God's telling me "Gin, trust me. Empty is just the beginning of my work. Wait on me, keep your eyes heavenward, and hope steadfast in me. And watch expectantly, because your empty is really My beginning."