Tuesday, March 8, 2011

A Weaned Soul: Pride, Comparison, & Anxiety....

My reflection on Psalm 131 after reading an article by David Powlison...

"O Lord, my heart is not lifted up;
my eyes are not raised too high;
I do not occupy myself with things
too great and too marvelous for me.
But I have calmed and quieted my soul,
like a weaned child with its mother;
like a weaned child is my soul within me.
O Israel, hope in the Lord
from this time forth and forevermore."

"My heart is not lifted up"- Oh how I constantly battle pride. Not even just pride, but I have a constant sin of looking at me and missing Christ. It's a daily stumbling block to seek Christ and His glory and lay down my life and I see here that the Psalmist wisely knows seeking ourselves will only lead us away from God and rob us of any peace in Christ.

"My eyes are not raised too high"- Am I comparing myself to others? David Powlison says this is when I make ME big and you small. I hate that I might miss some great fellowship with others because I'm comparing myself or we talk "at" each other instead of listening to each other. Is it really a conversation if we are just making points and proving ourselves? Have you ever noticed that we don't struggle with everyone this way? It's the people who seek the things we may be clinging to our own worth in.  

God convicted me of that when a good friend and I almost ruined our friendship trying to compete (unknowingly) while singing together on a worship team. I stepped down in panic over why it stopped being a joy to serve even after we talked through it. I'm thankful He called me out of that role completely and forced me to look at why I felt inferior or superior at times. It was my own sin (ouch!). And now she is one of my dearest friends. Truly. She's a gem and I almost missed that friendship completely because of my sin. I learned then that I don't battle in this with all people and in all areas. Haughtiness (comparison) always nails me in the roles I treasure most. I tend to compare, judge, and sometimes even choose my sin of judgement over a relationship with someone I obviously have something in common with because that role or thing has become an idol. OUCH! If I compare, I will not have a calm, quiet soul.

"I do not occupy myself with things too great and too marvelous for me."- A giant peacerobber: anxiety. I don't think he's saying not to ask hard questions or seek God in confusing things. We don't always understand His ways. Some things seem impossible and scary. I've spent a lot of time here. I've pleaded for my family's salvation. I've sobbed when things God called us to seemed to be failing. I've ached at the rejection of others. Death is always hard, even as I see His loving comfort and promises of hope in the midst. God spoke to me through this Psalm to show me that hanging in fear and anxiety in those heavy questions is weighing me down and pulling me away from joy in Him.

so what should I seek???? coming next post...

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